The Good-bye Letter

By
Updated: November 16, 2015
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Three days after Devin died, a policeman called and asked me to come to the station.  They wanted to give me a letter they found in his belongings.

I walked to the station.  They put me in a room that was stale and empty. My throat hurt from trying to hold back the tears that were never-ending.  My eyes were on fire and the skin around them raw from the wiping and rubbing.  My heart felt like it was inside my head, beating in my ears and willing it to explode.  I sat and stared at the table….alone.  I felt like I was in one of those rooms on t.v and I was about to questioned about a crime.  There was a window, a table and a couple chairs.

The detective came in and sat down.  He told me about resources….trauma, crisis people, etc….phone numbers, names and addresses but I was deep in a blur.  When he slid the letter over and I saw his handwriting I lost it.  I read the first sentence and started to bawl.

It took me all day to get through the letter.  My tears kept blinding the page and my sadness wouldn’t let my eyes rest long enough to find any focus.  In the letter, he told me I was the absolute best mother our kids could have and that our kids were amazing.  That they were a product of us that would not and could never change.  He said  we had great kids!  And that he could go on and on but his tears would sop the page.  Then he wished he had been there more…

He also said, it felt safe leaving the kids with me and he thanked me for being there.  And, that it broke his heart but he might have to leave because he hurt so much….he told me he didn’t want to, but he was really struggling!  He said, he was really trying but he might have to go.   Then he said he loved me….and wrote his name.

Me and the kids saw him the next morning.  I could tell he was off but he seemed okay.  He had just de-toxed at milestones for a week.  He had no place to live but had a friend to stay with.  He told me about a letter he wrote but that I may or may not get it.  I was confused because the kids kept interrupting and I didn’t really think anything of it.  When we said bye, he told the girls to be good for me and asked them if they knew how lucky they were to have me for a mom and that he loved them…

And, that was our last time with him.  We talked on the phone a few times the following day….and that night he died.  I got his letter 4 days later.

 

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  • Jannell Kristiansen

    I’m sorry, Christine…..You are such an amazing person.

  • Christine Arsenault

    Thank you Jannell !! <3

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